People for the Ethical Treatment of Minerals – PETM

Good day you savages.

While you were busy throwing paint on mink coats and making vlogs about how meat-eaters all go to heck, you missed out on another creature that needs protection.

That creature I speak of is the noble mineral, or ‘rock’ to you lay folk.

So keep a little bit of that rage pent up while you read this article and I’ll give you another target for that fury to be unleashed upon.

But before you cast the first stone (Don’t throw stones by the way. They hate that.), let’s see if you are an offender.

Hint. You totally are.

Did you ever skip rocks across a lake?

Pffft. Pathetic. Taking advantage of the helpless rocks for your meaningless entertainment.

Guess what jerk. Rocks can’t swim.

How do you feel now?

Hold on to that feeling for a minute. We have more to talk about.

Salt. Ever heard of it? You probably shake it all over your food without a care in the world.

Wakeup call buddy. Salt is a mineral and one of the most abused of all minerals in the world thanks to people like you.

Oh and pepper. That’s probably a rock too. It looks like one anyway, so double shame on you!

The ocean only has a limited amount of salt living in it and people are depleting it by millions of pounds every day just for a bit of ‘taste’.

At this rate, the oceans will be completely empty of salt in only a few short years.

Then what will you eat? Mountains?

I’m sad to say that I wouldn’t doubt it based on your past behavior.

Even our video games depict these innocent, adorable minerals being used for evil.

Look at any game with a rock golem. Forced with magic to fight and destroy.

Rock would never do that on its own. I know rock and I asked. He said no way, Jose.

Take the game Clash Royale for example.

You can force a rock golem to fight against a tower.

Know what that tower is made of?

More rock, probably his brother.

Animals and minerals are starting to fight back.

Hope you’re ready for the carnage.

The normally peaceful animals and minerals are using their powers combined to fight humanity.

It is the only chance they have to survive.

Imagine a basic bird.

Not that one, the other one. Yeah, that one.

Soft and useless right?

WRONG!

Look at that vicious beak, evolved from rock and hatred.

A few short years ago birds did not have beaks because they did not need them.

Look at any old picture of a bird and you can see.

They were peaceful and even were used as the national symbol of peace.

Well, that’s over and they won’t rest until the war on humanity is over.

Sorry to bring the bad news but I hope you like beaks poking into you.

I feel like I’ve made my point.

I’d ask you to change your ways but it is too late.

Keep enslaving your pet rocks and smoking your crack rocks.

The end is near.

I know which side I’ll be on.

Do you?