Today I was thinking back to my childhood and the rare days when Mother didn’t lock me away in the ‘praying closet.’
I starting thinking about Christmas songs, namely The 12 Days of Christmas. That’s when I realized how terrible of a song it was and the bad lessons it teaches us. It’s about some guy who gives his ‘true love’ more and more crap every day around Christmas time.
Here’s what happens.
On the first day, he gives her a partridge in a pear tree. First off, who gives someone a tree? That’s the worst gift. And how did he get the partridge to stay in it during transportation? Was it stapled to the tree? How could you even get close enough to staple it without it flying away? Already we can see the kind of sick man we are dealing with.
On the second day, he gives her two turtle doves. This is somewhat reasonable. They do make decent low maintenance pets. However giving animals as gifts is an iffy choice. You are saddling people with years of responsibility that they may not want. Maybe he had a talk with her before and they discussed pets. I’ll be kind and say this is a neutral gift.
Third day. French hens. This guy doesn’t gift anything except birds, does he? Maybe they are for dinner? Three french hens is a lot though. Maybe a big family dinner? Again neutral gift.
Fourth day. Calling birds. Some lyrics say collie birds which is an old term for blackbirds. Either way, who would want this many birds as pets? I’m starting to think that this guy robbed a bird store and is trying to launder the birds.
Fifth day. Five gold rings. Okay. Rings are a decent gift. I’m assuming he traded a bunch of his stolen birds to get some rings. Smart move. At least he didn’t give her another bird. Good for him. Good gift.
Sixth day. Geese a laying. You jerk! Just when I thought you were done giving birds, you pull this crap. And they are right in the middle of laying eggs when you gift them? Do you want this woman to raise a bird farm? Bad gift and I have lost all faith in your gift choices again.
Seventh day. Swans a swimming. Big surprise. You are a bird-obsessed insane person. Lady, if you are still alive, which I highly doubt, run away from this bird thief and change your identity.
Eighth day. Maids a milking. What? Now you have enslaved maids and given them as a gift. And what do you expect them to milk? Birds don’t have nipples, idiot!
Ninth. Drummers drumming. More slavery. And think how noisy one person playing the drum is. Now multiply that by nine. Horrible gift.
Tenth day. Pipers piping. Again more human lives are given as gifts against their will. It’s like he gave up on birds and now he wants a band full of nine people playing drums and ten people with flutes. Completely unbalanced band. I’m ready for this Christmas nightmare to end.
Eleventh day. Ladies dancing. I’m sure they love dancing to your orchestra of flutes and drums with nine types of birds screeching in the background. Is this how the music tracks for Nickelback were created?
Twelfth day. Lords a leaping. I don’t even know what this means. Somehow you’ve kidnapped more people. These lords are now leaping for some reason. Presumably under the threat of torture from your sick mind.
It’s finally over. You are like the Michael Vick of birds and human trafficking. And yet we teach the children to sing your praises every year at Christmas. May you burn in hell you sick freak.